Nun Story #2

In 7th grade, my teacher was the Mother Superior.  The first time I ever heard George Carlin mention "Sister Mary Discipline and her steel ruler," this is who I thought of.  Here's why . . .

We were in a joint class session with the eighth grade for music or art or something.  "Biff McMuscle"* was sitting in the far corner of the room in the front seat in his row.  Biff was in eighth grade, for the second or third time.  He was the only one who shaved . . .

I was two rows away, so I had a really good view of what ensued.  He did something that really irritated Mother Superior and she confronted him about it. This was promising.  Nobody ever confronted Biff.

"Hold out your hand!" she commanded.  And hold out his hand he did.  Flat out on the desk, palm up.  She raised up her yardstick (it wasn't a steel ruler, but it was one of the heavy duty yard sticks- two inches wide and 1/4 inch thick) and brought the flat side of it down smack in the center of his palm!

But she hit him so hard that his palm either inadvertently closed on the yard stick, or he saw it coming and took advantage of the opportunity.  Either way, now Biff has one end of the yard stick, and she has the other.  They play tug of war for  a second, and then suddenly, she's standing there before him unarmed!   She grabs for the yardstick, and he moves it quickly out of reach!  This happens three of four times, and I can't believe what I'm seeing.  He's laughing, and she's turning red, until he finally realizes how untenable is his position in this engagement, and he lets her grab the yard stick back and he lets it go.

Now, I'm sitting there with the world's best view of what's about to happen.  And I'm so ready for the wrath of God to ensue that I can already smell the brimstone and feel the electricity in the air! And then . . . and then, she says to Biff, " and don't you EVER do that again!" and she turns and WALKS AWAY!!!!!

She's pretending that she won!  And I'm the only one, besides Biff, who saw what really happened.  And I'm so disappointed I can hardly process what I've seen.  Here I thought Biff would have been struck dead by lightning, the floor would crack open and he would plummet into the depths of the Inferno, and it's all he can do to keep a straight face.

I was ready to see someone actually depart for hell (not that I wished it, even on Biff, but you just didn't disrespect the Mother Superior . . .) and nothing happened. 

He didn't even have to stay after school.

(This might have been the exact moment when I began to have the first glimmer of doubt about things I'd been taught to hold true for as long as I could remember.)

*"Biff McMuscle" is a fictitious name, if you were wondering.  I changed it, just in case he's still out there somewhere, and on the off chance that he ever actually did learn to read . . .